George Carlin - Rantin' and Ravin' (not just)

George Carlin talks

• Dumb people, 
• Shopping Malls, 
• Fat people, 
• Consumerism, 
• Education.

George Carlin - Sports Clip (with transcript)

 Transcript:

Sports are very big in this country. I’m a sports fan. That's fine, thank you. Yes, I know that a lot of people feel positive about sports. I’m not a fanatic about sports but I’m not a casual observer either. I was watching ESPN today, for which I’m thankful for by the way; all sorts of strange things they show on ESPN. Today they had some swimming that was interesting: The women’s 200 meter breast stroke. Well I’d never seen a woman with 200 meter breasts so I was really interested.
Well I’m enough of a sports fan that I have some rules changes that I would like to suggest. I think there are some changes that we could make in certain sports that would make them more exciting. Like in:

FOOTBALL – I would let all 45 guys play at the same time. You know, what’s this shit standing around watching the game; Get in there, put a helmet on, and hurt somebody for Christ’s sakes, will ya? You’re not getting paid to watch, and nevermind lining up; Just grab the ball and run like a motherfucker, you know? Another thing I would do in football is I would leave the injured on the field. Well they’re always talking about how it’s a big war going on out there. Fine, let the Red Cross come around and pick these assholes up. Here’s how I’d change:

BASKETBALL – You could make basketball a lot quicker. You know what you do? You have a 2 second shot clock. Soon as that ball is in bounds get that son of a bitch up in the air. I didn’t come to watch a game of cats, I’m looking for a 400 or 500 point ballgame. I’m a fan, I want 6 overtimes and 1000 points on the board. Another thing I would do for basketball, at the center court line for 10 feet on either side of the center court line, I would have a gasoline fire. You talk about the fast break, you’d see the really fast break. Here’s another suggestion for basketball, I would allow 25 points for any ball that goes in the basket off another guy’s head. You’d see some good fights during those close games, I’ll tell you.....and you’d increase the chance for serious injuries! That’s what I’m looking for: injuries. That’s what I like about sports, I don’t care who wins these games. If I wanna see winners I’ll watch the Academy Awards. I’m looking for injuries: Serious lifelong, crippling, dibilitating injuries. I’m an American, give me a little violence and I’m a happy guy! Most people won’t admit that. Most people won’t admit that; They’ll say “I like the competition.” Yea, like Hiroshima, right? Fuck the competition!; I’m looking for a leg in 2 or 3 places. Well now getting back to how we can improve these sports, and speed them up, you know?

BASEBALL – needs a little speeding up. You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing, that’s right. One swing, fuck you, you’re out, sit down, come on, let’s go, come one, sit down, come on, let’s go. Here’s another thing that would make baseball a lot faster: If the pitcher hits the batter with the ball: batter’s out! You hit 27 guys, you got yourself a perfect game my friend. You get 2 really good accurate pitchers out there and you could be out of that ballpark in 15 minutes. You could be home watching football on TV.....and see some serious goddamn injuries! One more thing for baseball, out in the outfield I would have a series of randomly placed landmines. “There’s Marshall, settling under that ball.” *boooooom*  “Holy shit!”